Too many people in one place = #$&!

I love being around people. It energizes me to no end. I love people watching, interacting with new people, hanging out with people I love, anything with people.

Having a migraine constantly has changed this love to sometimes be a fear. I hadn't willingly recognized this change in myself until I went last weekend to the Seattle Shakespeare Company's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream at Volunteer Park (wonderful production - highly recommend - even if you have a migraine). We were gathered around the main stage area, out in the sunshine on a beautiful day right before the play started and I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. It was really important to me to very instantly know where I could go to get away from the stimulus of all the people, how to get out of the sun, where the car was parked, what the quickest way was to get to the car, etc. All of this anxiousness was centered around my migraine and what I would/could do to take care of myself in case a quick and severe attack hit.

Strange, new feelings. I had them again yesterday when processing through going to the Bite of Seattle this weekend - which is a wonderful event, full of thousands of Pacific Northwesterners, that we love to go to every year.

I wish I could find a recovery med that I could tolerate. If there was a little pill in my purse that I knew would help alleviate my symptoms long enough to get home to where I feel safe - that would help so much. I've heard people blog and talk about how they have a sense of comfort when they have their Maxalt or Immetrix with them. I can totally understand why they say that. It's almost like a "get out of headache free" card in your pocket anytime you need it (maybe not that good, but something like that). Must put this on the list of things to talk to my headache specialist about.

So I guess I need to realize that in living my life, even if it is temporary, I will have to adjust and accommodate this new fear of being away from my home, around groups of people and getting a migraine attack.

Cloudy Day in Seattle

As the title implies - it is overcast in Seattle and I want to sing. In the summer an overcast day is like Christmas to me! I can be outdoors, stroll through the neighborhood, walk into my open (usually sunny) kitchen and function almost like what I consider a normal person. What a break!

The last thing I blogged about was accommodation in the workplace and I have to tell you that I've had symptoms that I haven't felt for a while. Back when I was working full time in what I consider to be a pretty stressful job/environment, I used to:

1) Have a hard time staying asleep - waking up at 3:00am pretty much every morning no matter what time I went to bed, what I ate/drank, etc. This has happened the last two mornings and the head pain has been pretty bad upon waking. I used to get so anxious about this because I need to get at least 7 hours of sleep to function and the more I was anxious - the less I could get back to sleep. It is a vicious cycle that often ended up in a severe migraine attack and the inability to even get out of bed when the alarm went off at 6:00am.

I've tried melatonin, loved Ambien and Zoloft (but get pretty addicted to them and don't want to use these types of products - I think they also increase the frequency and severity of the really bad migraine days), tried some anti-anxiety meds but didn't tolerate them...right now I am working on just managing fear and stress, but these old habits are creeping up on me and I need to figure something out if I am going to get back to living and working.

2) Get really agitated all the time. Pain, migraines and other symptoms that I can't control as much as I would like lead to fear, doubt and shame. These negative feelings lead me to feel like life is living me and not the other way around and I get so aggravated. I have a wonderful husband and we communicate openly and candidly when I feel this way and it helps, but I know these types of emotions only contribute back to my pain and headaches so I need to find a better way to stop the cycle when it starts before it gets out of control.

So to sum it up - just working through what types of accommodations and limitations I have over the last few days brings up all this history and fear around migraines. I didn't know how deeply rooted some of these feelings were and how much work I have to do within myself to free me from these self-defeating cycles.